It's OK to be sad on Christmas

To everyone who has loved and lost, I hope you know it's ok to be sad when someone is missing from your life. Cry it out, and you will feel better. Cry with a friend who has also suffered a loss, for sharing a shoulder to cry on helps you both. I have many blessings in my life. So I am thankful, and happy most of the time. But it's ok to be sad when the person you have been with for 41 years is gone. So I give myself permission to be sad on Christmas. I have been crying a bit. I'll probably cry some tomorrow. But then I will be OK, and I will go on to have a wonderful time with friends and family.

Thinking forward

Good memories of my past are slowly replacing the pain and stress of the past year. I am finally breaking free and beginning to move forward.

My heart says, "Move to the desert."

My head says, "Wait, too much to consider yet!"

My health says, "No more moldy, humid Midwest summers, PLEASE!!"

My fear says, "No more threat of tornadoes!! I hate tornadoes!"

My health pops in again, "Go somewhere where you can actually enjoy walking without the city congestion and pollution, and maybe where there are more days when you can open the windows."

My head replies, "What about moving so far away from your daughter?"

My heart argues, "She can visit!"

My head asks, "Should I be moving across the country at age 60-something?"

My heart pleads, "But my soul is in the desert, at least that's where I left it. At least let me go find it and ask it if it wants to come to the Midwest or stay in the desert."

My head is shocked---"What---you've lived in the Midwest 41 years and you still feel you don't belong??"

My heart asnwers, "Yeah. I don't."


Wow---arguing with myself!

Just for fun...

I was looking with ReMax. OMG there are actually affordable places. So much to learn---is health insurance for the uninsured available? How are the neighborhoods, etc. I saw some gorgeous 55+ mobile home parks, but don't know if I could afford the monthly lease on the land. It's SO much fun looking, though. Hills---mountains---rocky desert---my soul calls.

The desert calls

If it wasn't for my really good state insurance I think I would be wandering around out west looking for some place. Is that nuts? I mean, I have been living in Indiana ever since Dad brought me here in 1969. But why does my heart stir so much just looking at a picture of the desert? It's like my heart never left. I used to slip up and say to Dad that the desert was my home. He said, no, Indiana is my home. Would I miss the 4 seasons if I moved out there? Is it reasonable? I mean---price wise---doesn't everyone want to live out there---so the prices are higher. And what about the heat in summer. That is a LOT of heat. I hate humidity but I don't know if I could live in that kind of heat again. I have relatives out west. I should go visit them. I am restless today, for sure.

Dinner & a Movie

Dinner tonight:

Chicken in the crockpot with onions, lemon and olives. This makes real tender chicken, and it works well with skinless, boneless chicken breast. If I'm in a hurry (like tonight) I cut each breast into 4 chunks. Sauté in olive oil until browned. In the meantime, warm the crockpot up. I usually run warm water into it and let it sit a few minutes so the ceramic will warm all the way through. (Never put hot food into a cold crockpot---it could crack). Then I dump out the water, reserving about 2 cups warm water, and plug it in.

Back to the pan of chicken. Add a chopped onion to the pan and sauté but not all the way done, just about halfway---when you see some brown and some slight clearness but not all the way wilted.

Add half the chicken to the crockpot to make one layer. Add some onion and dump in a handful of green olives. Add some thinly sliced lemon and some pepper. I usually don't add salt because the olives are salty. Add the rest of the chicken, onions another bunch of olives, lemon and pepper. It's not rocket science, no measuring needed, but the lemon can be strong, so distribute a few slices, maybe 4 or 5 max. Add a little water just to barely cover but not quite.

Cook on high if time is short, or on low if you are giving it several hours (4 maybe). Serve with basmati rice on the side (the cooking juice is yummy on the rice) and a vegetable. If you don't like green olives, just discard them.

Move---Cats & Dogs. I haven't seen it yet.

I guess I'm a Non-Nerd LOL

Learning....

It hasn't been easy---the last two months since Dad died. Being with someone for 41 years and watching them suffer and fade away is heart wrenching. But I am doing ok, and learning to go on. It's hard picking up all the chores he did, such as mowing and shoveling snow, and cooking---Dad loved to cook. I have good neighbors, who have mowed and shoveled without me even asking, and have asked nothing in return. Certainly a nice batch of homemade cookies or fudge will be in order. Many people have reached out to me. I have been blessed several times already.

I think one of the hardest things is knowing Dad never realized his dream to retire in southern Indiana. I am thankful for the wonderful few days we spent in Paoli in the spring of 2009. Would I move there alone? I don't know. There are so many things to consider. The area is isolated. There is a hospital, but specialists are many miles away in other cities. I would also be further away from friends and family up here, and the drive would be long for me, and through some very curvy roads. I do need to get out of the city, though. It won't be easy. First step---clearing out clutter so I can have an appraiser look at the house. It's a bit of a fixer-upper, so I'm treading on shaky ground here. I could be in for a big disappointment.